March 31, 2006
Lonely planetThank you, D, for popping by NIE yesterday just to have lunch with me. You may or may not know, but I really appreciate it a lot. Because it has come to a point, I feel that I'm just shrinking from everything around. It's not uncommon, it's not wrong to feel that way. That, I'm sure. It will pass, if I don't hold on to it. Much like what I told you on MSN, everything in the past 8 years just passed without leaving any significant stone behind.
I believe strongly in the importance of friends. Friends like the kind I told you. Male or female. Friends like you. Because at times like this, I think the only group of people who I don't feel obligations to are friends.
A spontaneous suggestion that you took up without so much as a thought about the horrible distance. And to think you even have to buy the food. =P
I appreciate that. Thank you.
xxx
Galaxy of me and galaxy of balloonsThe former is just me. The latter is of balloons, all colours and shapes. Which one sounds more like a lonely planet?
xxx
My VocabIndifferent:-
1. Having no particular interest or concern; apathetic: indifferent to the sufferings of others.
2. Having no marked feeling for or against: She remained indifferent toward their proposal.
3. Not mattering one way or the other: It's indifferent to me which outfit you choose.
4. Not active or involved; neutral: an indifferent chemical in a reaction.
placid:-
1. Undisturbed by tumult or disorder; calm or quiet. See Synonyms at calm.
2. Satisfied; complacent.
inert:-
1. Unable to move or act.
2. Sluggish in action or motion; lethargic.
Which one sounds more dead?
xxx
Never just the right time.Do you sometimes feel that the things that happen in your life never happen just at the right time? It's either bloody too late or fucking too early.
And the thing that really 'blows' you away is that, fuckit, they always happen at the same time. You know, everything just come crashing at the same time.
Do you then find that you simply do not know how to cope? It's like you can never please everyone and satisfy everything at the same time.
You know how I usually respond to such times? I switch to my indifferent and unbothered mode. Not calm, just placid. I don't think they are exact synonyms. Because I feel 'placid' seems to suggest there's a lot of underlying currents. Indifferent and placid.
So, just tell me what you want and tell me how exactly to achieve what you want, I will do it. My brain just goes into reclusion, my dearth of feelings. And, what I really, really want to do?
I want to sleep. And sleep. And sleep. And only wake up when the page has been refreshed.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 08:34
March 21, 2006
Maybe sometimes...you don't even believe what you are thinking is what you are thinking. Like, if I know this is what I'm unhappy with about my life or my lifestyle, and I can list you reasons why that is so. But, after saying it, I start to doubt if this is actually what I think. And maybe, I think it's better not to think about it anymore. And just run away, just hide. Be an escapist for a while, many whiles if it takes. Then, maybe when I come back, return here, I would find a new world, a whole new way of thinking, or a whole new way of how I see my life. Maybe that will happen. Maybe it will not. But for now, I just try to carry on life, inject a bit of control into steering it the way I think I should. And the rest is just... out of my control.
xxx
Miracle spoke this last March."We go into this, blind-folded, trying to feel our way around... and if the way is out, we wouldn't know it until the fold has been taken out."
And then I think, how did she get so profound? Hmm...
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 13:46
March 17, 2006
Love & dating...41My idea of romantic has very little to do with fanciful and expensive dinner, or exuberantly crafted items or ambience. It has very little to do with sealed packets or bottles of endorphins.
My idea of romantic is... picture this...
a bed huge enough for a person (my size) to roll 2 times, 360 degrees, light but bright orange lighting, mildly air-conned, some soft music, you and your partner, a book in each of your hands, a pillow and two cushions each (i.e why the bed has to be big ok!) and just sheer quietness, sheer silence. The activity? Reading.
It's the being together, doing the same thing together but keeping your own space that is really romantic to me.
Some couples are not used to silence between them. They find it oppressive. Some think silence is the calm before the storm. That's pretty paranoid, I think. Silence between two persons, in my opinion, is the peace of mind, understanding of trust and sense of security that you achieve with the other person after much, much miscommunication and then, communication.
That's why I think it's romantic. The freedom to do what I want with you around, in the silence of your company, knowing that even as we keep so quiet, the bond and understanding speak volumes.
Sometimes, I don't mind throwing in some good chocolate or ice-cream. But, honestly? A smoothie or a cup of well-brewed tea always completes the picture for me.
What about your idea of romantic?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 16:03
My crazy girlfriend.Our second trip to Bintan was a major change from the previous one. To start off, it's very, very sunny! No need for any dough fritters at all!
Same nice blue sky, same pretty beach, same cosy beach resorts. This time, we stayed in expensive crustacean - Lobster 4.
The usual frisbee, the usual breakfast at Sea Salt & Spice, the usual super-expensive bus fares to Pasar Oleh-Oleh (OKA tourist trap), and the usual seafood dinner at Kelong.
The change of season brought some unusual guests into our bathroom in the evenings. Little guests that freaked me out a bit. Flying ants. OR whatever you call them. Those big, black ants that have wings...? Ya, that's the one. My affectionate term for them is 'creepy crawlies' - a categorical label for a lot of insects that fall under the same category. I will never become an entomologist, or a contender in Fear Factor. Disgusting!
My crazy girlfriend went to suntan in her sexy sports bra (Oops! haha...) and shorts. Right under the high-sun at noon! And she asked if I love her enough to lie beside her to suntan with her. From the beach rest that I was reading a book on, under the shade of a miserable tree, I told her I don't have to go suntan with her to show that I love her. She said she loves me for being so logical.
Her nose is peeling now and her cheeks are baked dry. And I just have a slight tan line. I think it's vanity than logic.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 13:36
Was that an 'er', 'erm', or a 'what-the-fuck'?My job for the past 3 weeks is mainly transcribing. Transcribing is horrible. Transcribing interview sessions of people who can't speak English fluently and who do not have the good habit of waiting instead of cutting into other's speech (and sometimes, interrupting their own speech) is absolutely horrifying.
The effects of my horrifying experience at work is slowly extending to the private, personal space. So, a 10 secs conversation between me (M) and girl (G) goes like this...
M: Then, what are you doing now?
G: Huh, nothing lor. I just finished preparing the lesson plan for the first two weeks.
M: ... Have you had lunch?
G: The bread just now was very filling. I'm still very full.
M: Mm-hmm. <== tis the traumatic part...
G: Ya. ... You?
M: I just had. Do you want to
G: [Oh, later,] I think I go home first then you message me later when you are knocking off? Is that OK?
M: /Mm-hmm. Ya, Ok, that's fine. <== tis the traumatic part too...
And this is a pretty normal and pleasant kind of conversation already. 'Cos M and G don't interrupt each other a lot, and hey! We speak in relatively fluent, predictable English sentences. Unlike the interviewers who are in the interviews I'm transcribing. I mean, it's one thing to think and utter your thoughts in the same language and another to think in your native langauge then try to translate into spoken English. The latter will just end up with a lot of interruptions mid-sentence as they try to modify their sentence to make their point (and it's not successful half the time, anyway). Know what I mean?
In any case, 3 weeks of doing this and I'm already slowly sifting out all my filler words in my daily conversations with other people. No more of those Mm-hmm, uhhuh, erm, and whatnot. Just keep quiet and listen. Let the eyes n the body langauge do the talking. Be more patient in waiting for the other party to finish talking or answering.
A lesson in communication.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 13:18
March 12, 2006
Bye bye, World.Our second time to Bintan. We chose the same resort. And are thinking of requesting for the very same unit if it's available. The quirks.
Lesser food items now that we know where we can get food and snacks. Much more sun this time, it seems. I hope there won't be a need to draw dough fritters. But that definitely means much more sunblock for me. Urgh. I hate sunblock. Makes me feel sticky but I hate charcoal black and skin peeling even more.
We are planning to go have an elephant ride. It sounds fun from the website. So... we'll see how.
And, it's a break that was planned in advance and I know we are both really looking forward to it. So, I'm still going ahead.
'Cause now's the road to recovery. The critical and difficult part is over. And, recovery is about a change of mentality and attitude too.
haha, betcha don't know what the freak I'm talking now. Know what... that's the point. And, I'm going to bed now.
Have a good Sunday. I hope the beach is not too crowded too.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:10
March 11, 2006
You are very kind, dear. But I think the word is 'placid'.This new colleague. From another project. I'm guessing late 20s or early 30s. Studied in Montreal, got her MA, back to work as RA before deciding where and what exactly she wants to do in her life. We hit it off rather alright. Well, she being the first new colleague I mention here sorta testifies to the fact that the vibes between us are ok.
So, we were talking about religions and our attitude towards religions. She was quite excited when I told her that there was a period of time during which I did meditation quite regularly. Like 2 or 3 times a week. So, we went on to talk about what are the things that went on in my mind when I meditated. I mentioned the typical stuff, about clearing up yuor mind, your thoughts, being reflective etc. Then, the word came. She said I look calm. At least, not like the hyper kind.
Hmm, calm? Erm, is it cool? Indifferent? Proud? or... what? I thought about it for awhile after we went on our separate ways. Then I think I remembered a word that was used to describe people of my zodiac sign. And, I think that's the appropriate word. It's 'placid'.
xxx
I am farking rational?Wenn said that. haha. It's still quite ironic to think that she's the one saying that of me. Cos... like, 1. 'duh, have you just known me?' and 2. 'who's the pot and who's the kettle now?'
But, I guess she's right. On certain accounts, under certain most unlikely frantic situations, I usually react in a cooler way than ... hmm, most people? Or at least she won't disagree.
Rational. Maybe. But, more like, I like to prioritize things in a way that is most simple and logical. And I see no point in doing or saying things that are unconstructive. You know, just plain practical virgo character at work. Oh, and the placid part comes in quite helpful too.
haha...
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:43